I still can’t wrap my mind around what happened yesterday. One moment I was desperate in trying to reach Oscar, knowing that he was on the plane and that I have probably lost him forever, but then I finally heard his voice and realized that he sounded closer to me than he should have. When I turned around and saw him standing a few steps away from me, my heart nearly broke into pieces. His voice was so soothing and filled with love, as he wrapped me in his arms and kissed my lips. I wanted to merge myself with him and never leave. I was in Heaven.
I was so mad at Clare and Finn yesterday, although for different reasons. I hated Finn for winning Clare over. She, on the other hand, hurt me by not giving me the chance to set the records straight. I couldn’t wait for the plane to take off soon enough. However, the moment I boarded my plane to New York I realized that I had made the terrible mistake. Ten hours long flight made me thoroughly think about the whole situation, and I realized that it was all Finn’s nasty plan to break us up. I knew I had to go back and make it right.
The morning was pretty much perfect, and I was really looking forward to meeting Oscar. I swear, every time I think of him my heart skips a few beats. I can’t be immune to his laughter or the way I feel when I’m in his arms. Still, today I didn’t feel so good at all, because as I was waiting in the dining area, I happened to stand in line just before Finn came in. Of course, I couldn’t ignore him, but our conversation was very awkward. He barely acknowledged me, and looked very hurt by my decision to be with Oscar instead of him.
I met Clare today for a walk, and my heart melted as soon as she touched my hand. The weather was a bit cold so she curled under my shirt. Being close to her felt really nice, and I couldn’t desire for anything better than that. However, something about her was off. She seemed pretty distant, and it felt like I couldn’t reach out to her; it felt as if one part of her was trying to hide itself from me, and I wondered what it was. I asked her but she changed the subject, brushing it off as something unimportant. I still wish she would tell me.
I got a call from my parents last night. They said that I have started avoiding my responsibilities at home, and that I should immediately go back to Georgia to finish my BA civil engineering studies. On one hand I understand them because my feelings weren’t far from it either, but what they don’t understand is that I can’t leave Clare so easily. And even more importantly, England has always been my home that I wanted to come back to.
So it wasn’t a girlfriend after all. I felt so mortified after confronting him, seeing how he deliberated how intensely he could laugh without hurting my feelings too much. He assured me that he made a clean cut with his girlfriend before he first spent the night in my room, and I felt much more comfortable knowing that. I thought that finally nothing could keep us apart, but I was so wrong. He took a deep breath and started explaining to me that he doesn’t know what to do about his education. He said that he was torn between the need to go back to Georgia where he knows everything, and the desire to stay with me. It was all too much for me so I left the cafe.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when Clare confronted me the other day about me and the mysterious girl I was apparently seeing. I don’t think I ever considered her as being jealous before. Even though I admitted to her that at the time we began our relationship I was still seeing the other girl back in Georgia, I also made it clear that it was over for me even earlier, because I didn’t just come to visit Clare during Easter holiday. I came here to be with her, not any other woman who might get that idea. And then I told her about my dilemma.
Oscar is angry with me, and I hate that. It serves me right, but I’m so lost and hurt! Yesterday evening I went to study at the library when I was stopped by Finn’s sister, who verbally attacked me and claimed that I had destroyed her brother’s faith in girls. She told me that she would make sure she made my life a living hell. I tried to keep my cool and explain to her that I don’t love her brother, but she swore at me and left. I really didn’t feel good spending time with Oscar, and when he picked up on it he got mad, claiming that I didn’t want to spend time with him.
I hate bawling my eyes out for anyone, but I couldn’t help myself tonight. I buried my face in a pillow, but I still fell like the whole dorm could hear just how much I am sad by the situation. I love Oscar more than I ever loved anyone, but if we keep on fighting like that I know that we won’t get very far. Still, despite knowing that I still couldn’t get myself to turn on my phone and call him. I knew there would be voice messages and missed calls, but I decided to ignore them. I couldn’t bare to hear his decision.
I’ve been trying to get a hold of Clare, but her phone kept saying she was busy. I knew that she was mad at me and that she was probably trying to avoid me, but at that moment her behavior didn’t help me at all. I tormented myself with the options that I had. I looked for colleges near here, which have civil engineering as a class, and it would even take me one year less than in Georgia, but my parents insisted that I came home. I was at a loss, no matter which option I chose.