I was so mad at Clare and Finn yesterday, although for different reasons. I hated Finn for winning Clare over. She, on the other hand, hurt me by not giving me the chance to set the records straight. I couldn’t wait for the plane to take off soon enough. However, the moment I boarded my plane to New York I realized that I had made the terrible mistake. Ten hours long flight made me thoroughly think about the whole situation, and I realized that it was all Finn’s nasty plan to break us up. I knew I had to go back and make it right.
I met Clare today for a walk, and my heart melted as soon as she touched my hand. The weather was a bit cold so she curled under my shirt. Being close to her felt really nice, and I couldn’t desire for anything better than that. However, something about her was off. She seemed pretty distant, and it felt like I couldn’t reach out to her; it felt as if one part of her was trying to hide itself from me, and I wondered what it was. I asked her but she changed the subject, brushing it off as something unimportant. I still wish she would tell me.
I got a call from my parents last night. They said that I have started avoiding my responsibilities at home, and that I should immediately go back to Georgia to finish my BA civil engineering studies. On one hand I understand them because my feelings weren’t far from it either, but what they don’t understand is that I can’t leave Clare so easily. And even more importantly, England has always been my home that I wanted to come back to.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when Clare confronted me the other day about me and the mysterious girl I was apparently seeing. I don’t think I ever considered her as being jealous before. Even though I admitted to her that at the time we began our relationship I was still seeing the other girl back in Georgia, I also made it clear that it was over for me even earlier, because I didn’t just come to visit Clare during Easter holiday. I came here to be with her, not any other woman who might get that idea. And then I told her about my dilemma.
I’ve been trying to get a hold of Clare, but her phone kept saying she was busy. I knew that she was mad at me and that she was probably trying to avoid me, but at that moment her behavior didn’t help me at all. I tormented myself with the options that I had. I looked for colleges near here, which have civil engineering as a class, and it would even take me one year less than in Georgia, but my parents insisted that I came home. I was at a loss, no matter which option I chose.
Still no words of explanation from Clare, as to why she is acting that weirdly. I thought it might have had something to do with the places that we were staying at or going, I thought her memories were causing the discomfort, so I came directly to her dorm room, thinking that it would make her more relaxed. Instead, she looked even more disturbed and I got aggravated at her, for not trusting me that I wouldn’t judge her or leave her if she told me what it was. She tried to convince me that nothing was going on, but I didn’t buy that. I took my jacket and left her room.
It was the make or break day for me, I thought as I walked to her dorm, trying to talk to her. If she refused to see me, then I guess that would have said a lot about our relationship, and the level of trust that we have for each other. I sat down on the bench in front of the entrance hall, thinking whether or not it would be a great idea to come in and ask her to give me a few minutes of her time, so that I could talk to her. Then I heard her sweet voice calling my name. “Would you like to come upstairs?”
Even though I realized that my behavior wasn’t appropriate, it took me a couple of days to get over that feeling that I’m not good enough for her if she couldn’t confide in me. I tried to give her some space, too, because the last thing that I wanted was for her to feel cornered by me. However, I gave into my desire last night and showed up banging on her dorm room, after begging the security guard to let me in at such an inappropriate hour. When she opened them she wanted to stay away, but I guess her desire was equally strong. She was in my arms before I knew it. It felt so good.
After clearing things up with Clare, I understood where she was coming from, and I felt guilty for putting such pressure on her. Still, I feel that we have made a nice progress in our relationship because of it. I think she now understands that I won’t judge her for having her dilemmas and thoughts about anything. I wish she would trust me a little more, though.
I woke up earlier and decided to take a walk before Clare meets me at the restaurant. The streets were still covered in fog, and that brought me back to my childhood days. I can’t believe how different Georgia and England are. I enjoyed my time in America, I traveled all over and found something new and interesting every day, but as soon as I landed here I realized how much I missed living here, in England. It feels like I’ve never even left. Everything is so comfortably familiar, even the rain has that special scent of freshness and comfort.